The Last Sane Man Standing
- Corey Deitz
"It's just my own, stupid, damn opinion!"
"Holidays Were Made for Food"
October 28, 2007
We love our holidays.
On New Year's Eve we drink champagne and eat Hor'dourves,
On Valentine's Day we give chocolate,
On St. Patrick's Day we drink green beer,
On Easter, we consume jelly beans and chocolate bunnies,
On Memorial Day we cook hot dogs and hamburgers,
On July 4th we cook more hot dogs and hamburgers,
On Labor Day we cook the rest of the f*****g hot dogs and hamburgers,
On Halloween we give candy,
On Thanksgiving we eat turkey.
On Chrismas we eat ham.
It seems like every holiday is built around some special food or drink or combination of both. Without food, there almost are no holidays. Imagine New Year's Eve if - instead of champagne and Hor'dourves - we gifted our friends with office supplies.
"Paper Clips! Oh, I'm so happy! Now, I just know it's going to be a great year!"
Or, instead of consuming hot dogs and hamburgers on July 4th we practiced the long-lived tradition of abducting our neighbor's cats and leaving them in the next county.
"Happy 4th of July! Snuggles is dodging cars near Mountain Home!"
Yeah, you can bet if some other activity was substituted for eating food on holidays, we'd all be looking a bit less forward to 3-day weekends.
Only two secular holidays involve people giving other people things to eat under threat: Valentine's Day and Halloween.
On one of them if you don't give something sweet your house will get egged, your trees filled with toilet paper, and flaming poo will be left on your porch.
On the other, if you don't give something sweet, trick-or-treaters will think you're a jerk.
Dude, it's time to get rid of your girlfriend. She's a bitch.
©2007 by Corey Deitz. May Not Be Reprinted Without Permission