Last Sane Man Standing - Blog of Corey Deitz

"The Split Rail Fence"

July 28, 2007

I spent the last three days putting up a split rail fence in my backyard. The whole idea of a fence can be so interesting. Some fences really do create boundaries and borders which cannot be breached and other fences are simply symbols, like my split rail fence.

Anyone can jump it or crawl under it or even walk around it. It serves no real purpose other than a manifestation of my desire to separate my yard into two place: one place where the Shitweeds can grow unencumbered and another place where they can't.

Ah, the "Shitweeds". Sorry I threw those in without explaining. My yard is a long, cleared hill of rocky soil and underneath it is my septic tank and drainage lines. It is fertile ground, indeed. And when these weeds began growing there a few months ago I was amused because I didn't think anything would grow in this crappy, rocky soil.

But, I forgot the nutrients from the septic system were seeping into the ground. Hence, the Shitweeds - some of the largest freaking weeds I have ever seen. They are the size of medium bushes. I don't know what kind of weeds they are so we named them Shitweeds.

I realized I couldn't control them with Roundup so I did what any respectable homeowner would do: fenced them out and disowned them. (Of course, I told them I was "freeing" them to pursue their own happiness and it seems they might have bought into that.)

Back to the Shire, you Shitweeds!

So you see, my split-rail fence is a symbol of the Shitweeds' banishment from my backyard. I've made a pact with the Shitweeds and told them they can live on their side of the fence and if they obey this directive they will not be killed by chemicals from Home Depot or even scorned when I gaze out my bay window.

I will accept them if they remain on the small patch of land I have deeded them.

But, if the Shitweeds cross over the fence line, they will be dealt with harshly and with a vengeance.

Sometimes, one has to rule with a firm hand.