Last Sane Man Standing - Blog of Corey Deitz

Ketchup Dopers

May 31, 2007

Recently in Miami, a customer at a Wendy's drive-thru became agitated when the restaurant balked at giving him more than 3 packets of some condiment, citing a limit. The restaurant eventually gave in and offered him 10 packets - which apparently still wasn't sufficient. When the manager walked out to the drive-thru to talk with the customer, the douche bag behind the wheel shot the manager in the arm.

It's obvious to me the guy who needed these condiments wasn't any ordinary customer. No, he had some kind of wicked ketchup monkey on his back and needed a fix - and badly.

It's not his fault. He's a victim. Yep I blame the fast food industry, who like insidious drug dealers, have been luring us over to the dark side for years by pushing free samples at us under the guise of "flavoring". It's a classic ploy: they let you have it free at first until you really start to want it. Then, bada bing: you need it. You want more ketchup kid? Guess you'll just have to buy another cheeseburger.

Frankly, I don't understand how we jumped from the War on Drugs to the War on Terror and missed the War on Condiments! It's America's dirty little secret.

When my mother was alive she lived her remaining years in Florida where all the old ladies would steal Sweet 'N Low from the delicatessens. I didn't inherit much money when she died but I can tell you this: I now have enough pink packets to flavor all the tea in China - or kill every Canadian rat still being tested to see if saccharin causes cancer.

And speaking of China, what is the deal with Chinese take-out? Did you ever notice that those guys are the only ones who have no freakin' respect for the value of condiment packets? Order half-cup of Won Ton soup and a noodle and they'll throw in enough packets of Soy sauce to fill up Rosie O'Donnell's hot tub!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? DON'T YOU KNOW THE VALUE OF A PACKET OF SALTY WATER THAT'S BEEN COLORED DARK BROWN??? FREAKIN' FOREIGNERS!

But, back to the ketchup dopers. I haven't read any stories lately of people from methadone clinics shooting folks. Maybe we need to stop worrying about the heroin addicts and start offering medicinal ketchup.

We got some folks really hurtin' out there...